People who Walk SLOW in Crowds
Don't you realize that moving quickly creates momentum and actually makes moving easier? While you slowly meander to wherever the fuck it is that you are NOT in a hurry to get to, the rest of us are stuck behind your slow ass. How is it possible to walk that slow? Are you on drugs? Walk faster or move to the side. Or I might succumb to my urge to tackle you.
Dorks in the Gym
You know who you are. You don't actually go there to work out. You go there to: 1) scam on chicks; 2) scam on dudes; 3) get away from your spouse. But whatever your reasoning, it is NOT to get fit and healthy. How do I know? Trust me, I do. If you are wearing the same black socks that you wore all day to work, except with orthopedic sneakers, and your shirt is tucked into your khaki shorts WITH A BELT, you are not there to work out. If you wear gloves to walk on the treadmill, you are NOT there to work out. If you wear your Folex to the gym, you are NOT there to work out. If you apply make-up BEFORE you go to the gym, you are NOT there to work out. If you see me running at warp speed on the treadmill, do NOT try to talk to me. I am working out.
People selling vacuum cleaners at my home
I have a vacuum cleaner. In fact, I have two. If I need a vacuum cleaner, I will come to you. Or better yet, I will go to the store. Or I will go online and buy one. There is no such thing as a "free carpet cleaning." Do not insult my intelligence. Do not think you can come into my home and case out the joint. My dogs will EAT you. Go away.
Screaming Kids
Screaming kids in general, but screaming kids in public places make me want to beat the shit out of their parents. Do you hear that screaming? It's your kid. Just because you're numb on valium doesn't mean the rest of us are. Our parents' generation believed in corporal punishment and we all survived. No child ever died from their parents threatening to rip their arms off. I suggest you try it. Or maybe I should just slash your tires.
Religious Nuts
I respect your right to practice whatever crazy beliefs to which you choose to subscribe. Please respect MY rights to NOT subscribe to your beliefs. In other words, if you don't thump your Bible, I won't kick you in the crotch. Fair enough?
Thank you and have a nice day.
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