For the first time in my life, I was actually prescribed (and took) anti-anxiety meds. That was about a month ago. I'm not taking them now. But at the time, I really needed them. Thank goodness for prescription drugs.
At the time, I think all the stress had just been mounting, and I had been suppressing it, trying to just get past it. First we had to adjust to Kaelen being with us. And don't get me wrong - she's a joy and we love her. But just adjusting to having a 7 year old, AND still trying to work from home, was a challenge.
I'm going to interject here with all the things that Mickey and I so proudly accomplished for Kaelen while she was here:
1) We got her into gymnastics; and while she is no Mary Lou Retton, it did do a lot towards building her confidence. She had never been in an extra-curricular activity before then. I really hope that James and Tina continue to put her into an activity when she gets "home".
2) She graduated second grade in the Honor Roll. One semester she even received the Principal's Award.
3) She learned how to tell time and how to count money.
4) She learned how to swim.
5) She got to be a kid without being a surrogate Mommy/babysitter.
Back to the issue(s) of my anxiety. It wasn't so much Kaelen, per se, that caused me the anxiety, but rather the fear of what was going to happen to her when we inevitably gave her back. It was feeling her pain over the fact that her Mom and sister only came to visit her ONE TIME during the six months she was with her, and knowing that our unconditional love was not enough to make up for this.
Then there was the issue with Tina and Adrianna. I think when she attempted to dump Adrianna AND Blue off with my indigent and crazy ass parents, it really pushed me over the edge. I will never be able to grasp how a Mother would think this was acceptable, or how a Mother could have such a strong urge to "fire sale" her children and pets, with no regard with how this would affect said children and pets. Or for that matter, WHY. WHY was this even an option for her?
And then there was Tina announcing to James, while he was deployed, ridding the world of Terrorism, that she wanted to Divorce him. That act sealed the deal for them moving here - which was the original goal and reason for us keeping Kaelen in the first place.
I was treading water (so to speak) at that point. Then we got the rare phone call from James, telling us to watch the news, and when we did, learned that Osama bin Laden had been killed. I was so very proud of him, and was so glad that he would be coming home soon.
But he didn't come home soon. After that, he was stuck there. The fucking Pakis wouldn't let him and his group go home. So I watched on the news as rioting took place, and terrorist bombings, and threats against Americans, in retaliation for the murder of their hero bin Laden. I was worried shitless. And that's when I stopped functioning and went on auto pilot.
I went to the doctor and told them I was under stress and they prescribed me some really strong meds that helped me to get over the hump. In reality, the numb feeling was still disorienting and probably lowered my IQ just a tad. But it was better than hyperventilating and having panick attacks.
Yesterday James arrived. Kaelen is in the next room following "AA" around, kissing her and being the Little Mother to her that she was before we "rescued" her.
They're going back to North Carolina next week. And while I am especially sad that Kaelen is leaving (we've grown very attached to her), it will be nice to have some alone time with my husband again.
Whatever happens to James, Tina, Kaelen and Adrianna (and Blue), will be entirely up to them now. But we (Mickey and I), will always be a soft place for them to land, if need be. I guess that is what it is supposed to be like, once your kids grow up and have kids of their own.
Life goes on. Only right now, without medication.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Getting "Old"
I keep waiting to feel old but I think I've under-estimated what "old" feels like.
I have yet to have an urge to cut my hair off short, perm it and color it blue. I have a few grays but nothing to get bent out of shape over. Oddly enough, most of my hair is darker than it's ever been - a nuisance when trying to maintain "natural blonde."
I have a few aches and pains but if I'm honest with myself, I've had a few aches and pains my entire life, starting with gymnastics at age 6. My worst pain is in my neck and it was from falling on it too many times as a very young child. Other than that, my hips sometimes hurt if I run really far distances. I also get shin splints and stress fractures in my feet. But really, I can run a couple miles every single day and be fine. It's those really long distance runs that hurt. And if I remember correctly, I hurt every day of my high school tenure due to running too much. Pain from running, in my opinion, is not limited to 40+ year olds. It's just par for the course. So as a result, I keep my running to a mile or two a day and I am fine as frog's hair.
My vision is shitty. It used to just be distance. My distance vision is now something like 20/300. I have to wear glasses or contacts to drive. The issue I'm having now is that, when I wear contacts, my vision is OVER-corrected and I can't see close up. This poses a problem when, for instance, I want to wear contacts AND read a dinner menu. My solution is to wear only one contact and to read close up with the uncorrected eye, and see far with the corrected eye. I refuse to wear reading glasses. At least not yet.
I'm noticing more and more "hyperpigmentation" spots on my skin. Or for a much uglier word, "AGE SPOTS." Yes, that's right. I have age spots. And despite what those expensive spas tell you, there really is nothing that makes them go away. As soon as you have spent $3,000 getting a spot lasered, another freckle party sprouts up and then what? I'm noticing them all over my body and not in places where the sun hits. So all that lecturing about staying out of the sun is just a bunch of hooey. Fact is, if you were a kid with really cute freckles on your face, you will grow up to be an old person with age spots. Which are just freckles who found each other.
I'm still not fat. And I never will be. I have found the cure for fatness and it is called NOT over-eating, and also staying physically active. Very simple, even in later years.
What I can tell you about getting older is that, if you are the type of person who learns from your mistakes, who takes personal accountability for your actions, and who has sought out knowledge and understanding, then getting old equals getting WISE. Not everyone gets wise with age. But I'm working on it.
Right now, at age 44, I am truly more happy than I have ever been. I have experienced many hardships (of my own doing), many trials, hurdles, obstacles and set-backs. And I have never given up or given in. I am not only a survivor but a thriver.
I look forward to what life has in store for the rest of my life. BRING IT.
I have yet to have an urge to cut my hair off short, perm it and color it blue. I have a few grays but nothing to get bent out of shape over. Oddly enough, most of my hair is darker than it's ever been - a nuisance when trying to maintain "natural blonde."
I have a few aches and pains but if I'm honest with myself, I've had a few aches and pains my entire life, starting with gymnastics at age 6. My worst pain is in my neck and it was from falling on it too many times as a very young child. Other than that, my hips sometimes hurt if I run really far distances. I also get shin splints and stress fractures in my feet. But really, I can run a couple miles every single day and be fine. It's those really long distance runs that hurt. And if I remember correctly, I hurt every day of my high school tenure due to running too much. Pain from running, in my opinion, is not limited to 40+ year olds. It's just par for the course. So as a result, I keep my running to a mile or two a day and I am fine as frog's hair.
My vision is shitty. It used to just be distance. My distance vision is now something like 20/300. I have to wear glasses or contacts to drive. The issue I'm having now is that, when I wear contacts, my vision is OVER-corrected and I can't see close up. This poses a problem when, for instance, I want to wear contacts AND read a dinner menu. My solution is to wear only one contact and to read close up with the uncorrected eye, and see far with the corrected eye. I refuse to wear reading glasses. At least not yet.
I'm noticing more and more "hyperpigmentation" spots on my skin. Or for a much uglier word, "AGE SPOTS." Yes, that's right. I have age spots. And despite what those expensive spas tell you, there really is nothing that makes them go away. As soon as you have spent $3,000 getting a spot lasered, another freckle party sprouts up and then what? I'm noticing them all over my body and not in places where the sun hits. So all that lecturing about staying out of the sun is just a bunch of hooey. Fact is, if you were a kid with really cute freckles on your face, you will grow up to be an old person with age spots. Which are just freckles who found each other.
I'm still not fat. And I never will be. I have found the cure for fatness and it is called NOT over-eating, and also staying physically active. Very simple, even in later years.
What I can tell you about getting older is that, if you are the type of person who learns from your mistakes, who takes personal accountability for your actions, and who has sought out knowledge and understanding, then getting old equals getting WISE. Not everyone gets wise with age. But I'm working on it.
Right now, at age 44, I am truly more happy than I have ever been. I have experienced many hardships (of my own doing), many trials, hurdles, obstacles and set-backs. And I have never given up or given in. I am not only a survivor but a thriver.
I look forward to what life has in store for the rest of my life. BRING IT.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Spring Break
We're not going to a theme park this year. In fact, we've NEVER been to a theme park. I hate theme parks. I would rather lick the guest toilet seat than go to one of those places filled with crowds of screaming kids, over-booked into over-priced kid-centric hotels with kids screaming and running through the hotel hallways, and two-hour long lines to stand in for a 60-second ride.
Nope. Nor are we driving cross-country because we waited until the very last minute, waiting for airline fares to go down when they actually quadrupled in price. I don't think driving for 15 hours constitutes a "vacation". I think that sounds like torture.
It's a "small world" and I choose to live in a small world, as in, going to the awesome resort just 30 minutes north of where we live, where they have a water park, awesome restaurants (not disney-esque kid food) with steak and *gasp* seafood and good wine.
We have an 1,800-square foot suite with two separate bedrooms overlooking the lake, with access to jet skis and fine dining and putt putt golf. We're going to have soooooo much fun with Kaelen.
Pictures to follow.
Nope. Nor are we driving cross-country because we waited until the very last minute, waiting for airline fares to go down when they actually quadrupled in price. I don't think driving for 15 hours constitutes a "vacation". I think that sounds like torture.
It's a "small world" and I choose to live in a small world, as in, going to the awesome resort just 30 minutes north of where we live, where they have a water park, awesome restaurants (not disney-esque kid food) with steak and *gasp* seafood and good wine.
We have an 1,800-square foot suite with two separate bedrooms overlooking the lake, with access to jet skis and fine dining and putt putt golf. We're going to have soooooo much fun with Kaelen.
Pictures to follow.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Paganism Prevails
My Mother tried her damnedest to turn me into a hypocritical religious zealout like herself. But in her attempts, she alienated me from all things religulous. But I believe that I have benefitted from this - I have an open mind. And most importantly, I am not a HYPOCRITE. I believe that everyone has a right to believe whatever they choose to believe, cult brainwashing and human/animal sacrificing not withstanding. To each her own.
I've read up a lot on Pagan/Wiccan beliefs, and I have come to the realization that the Pagans had it right.
I know what you're thinking... those crazy pagans gather together in dark capes, encircling themselves in salt rings and casting spells on people. I'm not saying that doesn't happen - it does. But that is not what Paganism is about, really. Paganism was and is SCIENCE. Yes, before modern religion there was science.
At one time, all humans were Pagans. The Pagans realized their place in the planet, as one of Dependency. We depend on the elements (sun/fire, earth, water and wind), for our existence. The Pagans didn't so much "worship" the elements, as they acknowledged their dependency on them. For instance, the Pagans don't view the sun as a God in human form, but rather, they view the sun as the sun - a bright ball of fire that lights our planet, grows our plants, warms our skin, and sometimes, burns us and our crops. Same for the earth, the wind and the water. They are exactly what they are - nothing mystical - but part of life, good and bad. But things that we as humans cannot live without. And since the elements provide life for all living things on the earth, there is a "life force" within the elements. Again, this is not mysticism, but rather Science.
As with all good things, bad things evolve and this is what happened with Paganism. The Pagans began putting more and more power into their own hands and started sacrificing humans. This grotesqueness paved the way for mysticism and modern religion (Judeo/Christian/Islamic) to form hold. Modern religion claims that we HUMANS have dominion over the earth. And for the past 3,000 years or so, we have been setting to destroy the earth and our environment. And quite successfully.
I've read up a lot on Pagan/Wiccan beliefs, and I have come to the realization that the Pagans had it right.
I know what you're thinking... those crazy pagans gather together in dark capes, encircling themselves in salt rings and casting spells on people. I'm not saying that doesn't happen - it does. But that is not what Paganism is about, really. Paganism was and is SCIENCE. Yes, before modern religion there was science.
At one time, all humans were Pagans. The Pagans realized their place in the planet, as one of Dependency. We depend on the elements (sun/fire, earth, water and wind), for our existence. The Pagans didn't so much "worship" the elements, as they acknowledged their dependency on them. For instance, the Pagans don't view the sun as a God in human form, but rather, they view the sun as the sun - a bright ball of fire that lights our planet, grows our plants, warms our skin, and sometimes, burns us and our crops. Same for the earth, the wind and the water. They are exactly what they are - nothing mystical - but part of life, good and bad. But things that we as humans cannot live without. And since the elements provide life for all living things on the earth, there is a "life force" within the elements. Again, this is not mysticism, but rather Science.
As with all good things, bad things evolve and this is what happened with Paganism. The Pagans began putting more and more power into their own hands and started sacrificing humans. This grotesqueness paved the way for mysticism and modern religion (Judeo/Christian/Islamic) to form hold. Modern religion claims that we HUMANS have dominion over the earth. And for the past 3,000 years or so, we have been setting to destroy the earth and our environment. And quite successfully.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Stating what should be Obvious
I have embedded within this blog a tracking software code and I must say it is quite extraordinary. Not only can I tell the NUMBER of "hits" I receive to this blog. But I can also tell the CITY from where my viewers reside, as well the URL address that my viewers came from, and where they went to just AFTER viewing my blog.
I'll be the first one to admit that my blog, "Farting Glitter," is exactly what the blog title implies - don't expect any soul-revealing deep secrets here. Like I would do that.
Nope. My life is perfect as far as you or anyone else who stumbles upon this Blog is concerned. And if you "stumbled" here intentionally for the purposes of snooping on me, here's a glittery unicorn for you.
I See You. Stay away from porn.
I'll be the first one to admit that my blog, "Farting Glitter," is exactly what the blog title implies - don't expect any soul-revealing deep secrets here. Like I would do that.
I See You. Stay away from porn.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Lover's Day
As is Mickey's and my tradition, we ate in, in our PJ's (all day). No fancy gifts, no chocolates (that neither of us needs). No cards with cheesy sentiments that someone else wrote...
We just enjoyed each other immensely. And even after 10.5 years together, it's still pretty "immense".
I'm so Lucky to have Mickey as my permanent Valentine, year after year after year.
Happy Valentine's Day, Baby! I love you IMMENSELY.
xoxoxoxo
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