Not-so-interesting Factoid

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All COD's are not Created Equally

And this is not to imply that some children are inherently better or worse than others.  Quite the contrary.  I think that ALL children should be blessed with a healthy upbringing with two parents who are devoted to their well-being.  Even in cases of Divorce, it would be great for the kids if the divorced parents could put aside their differences and view their child(ren)'s upbringing as a business relationship (and not emotional). 

But that is sooooo seldom the case.  Even parents who openly proclaim their devotion to the child, post-Divorce, the truth is, likely the dysfunction and differences among the parents that resulted in them not being able to remain married, NOT EVEN FOR THE SAKE OF THE CHILDREN, also precludes those same parents from harmonizing after the Divorce.   And add into that dynamic, new significant others, step-siblings, envy, job and income changes and other life changes that affect the not-so-delicate balance of the already tenuous dynamic - the same hostilities ensue, but without the bonds of marriage to negate litigation.

Which brings me to the subject of Family Counseling.  I've spoken to several therapists who truly seemed to be able to empathize with what it REALLY means to have to remain in contact with a hostile ex, and to comprehend that when your Ex has a Personality Disorder, they just cannot be dealt with - and that all of those morays of, "for the benefit of the child," go out the window.  If the custodial parent has a Personality Disorder, there is really nothing that the non-custodial parent can do to protect his child(ren) from the emotional predator who bore them.  And in fact, being "nice" to the disordered person, is viewed as a weakness and they will forage on like vampires looking for blood, until they either drain you of all of your blood, or you put a stop to it and disengage.  In situations where one of the parents has a Personality Disorder, it is doing a huge disservice to your children by allowing the PD to pull your strings.  These children need, more than anything, to witness a positive role model in at least one of their parents.   And more importantly, the unfortunate children of the disordered personality, need to see that it is possible to stand up to these emotional vampires.  Not disengaging only results in more and more conflict.  Any therapist who can't see this, should not be doling out advice to other people.

If you're having to deal with a high-conflict ex and are seeking counsel, my advice is to phone interview any new therapist.  Ask if they specialize in Personality Disorders. 

Glad to be Home!

We had a blast, but as always, it's good to be home.  I really missed Gunny and Lola (and they missed us even more).  It never fails that if we are gone for more than 3 days, I start obsessing over the house.  "Did I remember to turn the alarm on?" , or "I can't remember if I paid the electric bill."     But despite all of my obsessing, we returned to an unadulterated home, with all utilities functioning, and two very clingy dogs.

For a critique, I don't care if we never go back to Jamaica.  This was my third trip.  And it seems as though the country is just getting worse and worse.  The cabbies are like vultures.  I didn't really feel safe there, and we weren't even there at night.  Too many predators to watch out for.  However, Margaritaville was tons of fun.  Lots of lewd and crazy partying.  Again - I can't imagine that place at night.  I wish the kids would have garnered up the nerve to play on the water trampolines. 

We ended up purchasing a bunch of ridiculously priced shirts from both Margaritaville and the Harley-Jamaica store.  We also went to the shop that was filmed in Cool Runnings (about the Jamaican Bobsled Team), and got some over-priced shirts there, as well.  But in addition to shirts, we got some authentic Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee, and some obscene hand-carved pipes. 

Next stop was Grand Cayman, and this place was AWESOME.  In case you don't know, this is where everyone hides their money as a tax shelter.  In stark contrast to Jamaica, the cost of living here is very high and people live really well.  The food on Rum Beach was good, but about twice what we would pay in the States for hamburgers and fish 'n chips.

We took an excursion trip to Stingray Alley where we swam with real live stingrays!  It was surreal.  As you can see from the picture, the water is just beautiful (that's Mickey standing on the deck - no, really, it is).  And just like the brochure claimed, the stingrays were all very friendly (just like the crew - who might have even been considered "frisky"). 

Here's a picture of Jake kissing one (a female - apparently the males don't like being kissed - how typical).  Those are my hulking biceps in the photo.  hehe.    We're seriously thinking about booking a trip for the Caymans this winter.

The last stop was Cozumel.  We didn't do much here other than to eat and to buy some trinkets.  Well, except for Mickey.  He bought FIVE bottles of tequilla which we ended up having to smuggle through customs.  I normally vomit from tequilla, but I have to admit, the pomegranate tequilla was pretty good.  I submit to you a photo of me and my smokin' hot hubby, Mickey.

Sooo READY for this Cruise!!!!!

We reserved this trip five months ago.  It's hard to believe it's almost here.  Yesterday I sat down and completed the hour-long "pre-boarding process," which involved finding all of our passport and birth certificates and inputting all of that data, as well as the credit card information for the on-ship charges.  I love the fact that Carnival only allows minors to have $100 on their cards at any given time.  Carnival is smarter than all of the Disneyland Dad's.

Additionally, and quite shockingly, I am already packed (with 6 days to spare).  I have not yet decided if I am bringing my laptop or not.  I certainly won't be working.  But I might want to download some pics and post on the internet for the entire world to see, PRIOR to getting home.  That reminds me - must pack the charger for my camera.

As far as hygiene - I will get a bikini wax, for sure.  And I will get my hair and nails done.  But I have decided to skip the spray on tan.  I am a white girl, and eventually I must come to terms with this.

We have two adjoining cabins - one for me and Mickey and one for the kids.  This means that I WILL be bringing the pirate suit so I can steal some booty.  heh, heh, hehhhhhhhh!

Someone told me just recently that cruise ships lose on average one passenger per month - a statistic that was deliberately left out of the brochure.  And while the cruise lines consider this to be acceptable collateral, I find it a little bit daunting.

Wish us luck on our voyage, that no one topples overboard - either accidentally or on purpose.

Divorce "Support" Forums

I belong to a number of Forums.  Ten years ago if someone would have suggested forums as a tool for social networking and advice, I would have poo-poo'd the idea.  Now I check my forums every day.  And the people on there have become some of my closest friends in real life.

But not all forums are helpful.  For instance, I belong to a divorce support forum.  Even though it's been almost 13 years since I went through a divorce, I joined out of curiosity and the belief that having gone through and survived a divorce, makes me an "expert" on the subject.

And while I do consider myself somewhat of an expert, I have to admit, that some of the women in this group are truly whacked out of their skulls, and are not at all interested in advice or learning from the experience of others.  And in MANY cases, I can see why their exes ran from them.

It's normal to go through a haze after divorce, where you are trying to rediscover yourself and who you are as a single person and in many cases, as a single parent.  It's normal to be angry, hurt, jealous, whatever.  But what is NOT normal or healthy is refusing to accept any responsibility for your own situation - to blame the other person entirely.  And then when their Ex moves on and finds another replacement significant other, to shift all of the blame for what went wrong in YOUR marriage, onto this unsuspecting woman.

So many times I can see this happening in early phases.  And when/if I gently point out that this belief system and behaviors are not conducive to a healthy recovery, the person posting will jump my shit and accuse me of not being "supportive."

Well alrighty, then.  Don't move on.  Ever.  Wallow in self pity for the rest of your days.  Alienate your children from their father because you are emotionally a child and you are selfish.  Blame your ex's new wife for stealing "your" husband.  Teach your children to hate and be disrespectful to this woman.  Con yourself into believing that this new woman is jealous of YOU (and not the other way around).  Every time you see your ex, try to reconcile with him - despite the fact that he has remarried and you've been rejected dozens of times before.  Have no pride, no dignity and no shame.  Date other men, but be sure and inform them that you are still in love with your ex, and that the two of you would still be together if not for that "home wrecking whore."   And by all means, whatever you do, DO NOT EVER SEE A COUNSELOR.  YOU are not the crazy person, after all.  Everyone else is crazy.

And when your kids are in their mid-twenties and figure out on their own how much harm you caused them by your refusal to "move on," and they HATE YOU... perhaps those dusty cogs in your brain can roll backwards in time, to a day when you posted in a forum and got some really sound advice from some woman who had been there and found a way out.  And you might wish that you had listened to her.

It's not too late to get the help you (and your children) need.  Most counseling is covered under insurance.  There is no excuse.

Food for a Foodie

As a part-time Caterer, I spend a lot of time in the kitchen experimenting with recipes.  Mickey has the sometimes unenviable task of "Food Taster".  Not everything turns out perfect the first (few) time(s).  But eventually, it will turn out perfect.   I've never made a recipe that I didn't alter.

There was this FABULOUS restaurant that opened near us called Pesquera's.  It was made literally from a boat.  We loved it.  Where we live, there is a glut of tacky Tex-Mex restaurants, a few Chinese restaurants (that don't deliver), and several "home cooking" dives.  When we found Pesquera's, we were thrilled to find this up-scale eatery.  It had a great wine selection, awesome trout almondine, perfectly cooked steaks, oyster shooters, a delicious Rosemary Hamburger, and the best White Chocolate Bread Pudding that I have still not been able to emulate. 

They were in business for just over a year with this fantastic menu, when the economy and the cheesy clientele dictated that they scale down their menu.  They changed from sit down and order, to walk up to the counter and order and take a number.

Okay, not so swanky.  But, despite MUCH of the fare being cheaper, they still carried my trout.  And even though oyster shooters were no longer on the menu, the owners would make it for us if we asked.  And they still had AWESOME bread pudding.

But poor Pesquera's, in this scaled-down state, hung onto life support for another six months before they finally were forced to pull the plugs.  We were very saddened by this turn of events.

Then a new owner took over.  They kept the sign the same outside, same decorations inside, but named the restaurant "Big Daddy's Seafood."  And the parking lot was CRAMMED with cars every night of the week.  We figured that, even though the name of the restaurant is kind of white trash, MAYBE, if the gorge of the parking lot is any indication, the food must be good.

You would think so, right?

Wrong.  WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.  We went there last night.  The menu (on laminated paper) is miniscule.  They served stuffed jalapenos (fried), raw oysters, fried oysters, fried catfish, fried tilapia, grilled tilapia, shrimp (fried and grilled), chicken strips, salad, gumbo and peach cobbler.  That was IT.

Our waitress was clueless, complete with a blank, deer-in-the-headlights, lost stare.  I'll call her "Bambie".  It might have been Bambie's first day at work.  She asked me what I wanted to drink and I asked her what kind of wine they had.  Again, the blank, scared look, followed by stammering and she walked off, bringing me back a very small, "unpretentious" wine list (on laminated paper).  I ordered a glass of the only Cabernet they offered.  It arrived in a tiny, screw-top bottle.

There were also very few side dishes.  They had a house salad, french fries and cole slaw.  I asked Bambie how the cole slaw was and she said, "the cole slaw is great."  I asked her if it was mayo based or vinegar and she said, "I think mayo."

I asked her how the grilled Tilapia was, and she confessed that she doesn't eat fish.  I ended up ordering raw oysters (despite the BP spill in the Gulf), and a house salad with Ranch dressing.  The dressing was a packet of Newman's.  The salad greens were entirely iceburg.  Mickey's cole slaw was mostly mayonnaise and very little cabbage (with NO hint of vinegar).  Mickey had a cup of Gumbo that was mostly black oil (maybe from the Gulf) with a few strands of dark meat chicken.

It was the most awful meal we've had in years - second only to the odd Ohio phenomena called Skyline Chili.  Mickey and I were sharing our mutual critique on the drive home.  Not one of those dishes would have received my Seal of Approval at home.  And not a chance in Hell I would have served any of that swill to a paying customer. 

Yet the place was PACKED.  Much more than Pesquera's ever was.  I guess the lesson learned here is, to know your clientele.  If what they want to eat is boring, bland, little kid food, then you can get rich providing it for them.

As for me and Mickey, we won't be going back to Big Daddy's.

I Miss my G-Babes!!!!

It's so difficult being 1,500 miles away.  I only get to see my little Darlings twice a year - Christmas and in the Summer. 

Adrianna had no teeth and could barely crawl when I saw her last.  Now she has 6 teeth and can walk on her own (although she seems to prefer crawling still).

Kaelen is smart and beautiful.  James has her trained to say, "Yes, ma'am," and "No, ma'am," and "Please" and "Thank you."  She has very good manners for a 6 year old.  Scratch that.  She has better manners than most grown-ups I know.  She is so good with her little sister - not a jealous older sibling at all. 

While there, they had a group Birthday Party.  Adrianna's birthday was in May.  My birthday was yesterday.  Tina's birthday is in 2 weeks, and Kaelen's birthday is in 3 weeks.  So while everyone was there, they rented a jumpy house, put out a water slide, and invited about 25 of their closest friends over.  I made a cake. 

I have to say, these Special Forces guys are such honorable guys.  They're all very respectful towards me.  They are the creme de la creme of the Army.  And it shows.  Everyone is a Team Player.  And while a few guys got wasted, not one of them was an Asshole. 

My friend Dee drove there from Raleigh.  I love Dee.  We're scheming to have a FUPFest get-together in this area.  Her husband Chris WILL comply.  Yes, he will.  Or we will burn his drawers in a fire and then he will bleed from his rectum.  Don't ask me how I know this.  I just do.

Dee thinks that my son James looks like Brad Pitt.  And I have to agree.

Speaking of James, here he is with Adrianna.  James is a Special Forces Medic attached to the Scuba team.  James is literally the top 3% of the entire Army.  He's about to be E7 and he's only 25 years old.  I spoke with one of his SF buddies there (KJ), who told me that James is afraid of his Mom (me).  "Afraid" in a good way, which translates to respect in their world.  He told me that he admires James and hopes to achieve the same status, that James is very squared away, is a good family man, and he's one of the smartest guys he's ever met.

You'd never guess this at first glance.  James hides his nerdiness well.  I'm so proud of my little boy.

While we were there, Tina (my daughter-in-law) took me to a tattoo parlor in town.  When I told the artist what I wanted and where, warned me that this was the MOST PAINFUL AREA TO GET A TATTOO.  I laughed and said, "Bring it on!"  Then I sat and endured excrutiating pain for two hours.  It was way more painful that I thought it would be.  My toes were clinched tightly the entire time, and I gripped the mat so firmly that I left fingernail marks on it.  I want to reiterate that it hurt like HELL.  I wanted to cry but didn't.  When I got up, I was tired from the anxiety.  There was blood dripping from the flowers.  I couldn't wear a bra for three days.  Did I mention that it was was painful?

Mickey loved my new tat!

Yesterday was my birthday and after rain delays and getting in after midnight the night before, neither of us felt like doing anything so we just stayed in and got drunk.  heh, heh, hehhhhh!!!!

My little G-Babes are coming in one week from now to stay a week with us while James and Tina go to Mexico.  June has been an awesome month for me!