All COD's are not Created Equally

And this is not to imply that some children are inherently better or worse than others.  Quite the contrary.  I think that ALL children should be blessed with a healthy upbringing with two parents who are devoted to their well-being.  Even in cases of Divorce, it would be great for the kids if the divorced parents could put aside their differences and view their child(ren)'s upbringing as a business relationship (and not emotional). 

But that is sooooo seldom the case.  Even parents who openly proclaim their devotion to the child, post-Divorce, the truth is, likely the dysfunction and differences among the parents that resulted in them not being able to remain married, NOT EVEN FOR THE SAKE OF THE CHILDREN, also precludes those same parents from harmonizing after the Divorce.   And add into that dynamic, new significant others, step-siblings, envy, job and income changes and other life changes that affect the not-so-delicate balance of the already tenuous dynamic - the same hostilities ensue, but without the bonds of marriage to negate litigation.

Which brings me to the subject of Family Counseling.  I've spoken to several therapists who truly seemed to be able to empathize with what it REALLY means to have to remain in contact with a hostile ex, and to comprehend that when your Ex has a Personality Disorder, they just cannot be dealt with - and that all of those morays of, "for the benefit of the child," go out the window.  If the custodial parent has a Personality Disorder, there is really nothing that the non-custodial parent can do to protect his child(ren) from the emotional predator who bore them.  And in fact, being "nice" to the disordered person, is viewed as a weakness and they will forage on like vampires looking for blood, until they either drain you of all of your blood, or you put a stop to it and disengage.  In situations where one of the parents has a Personality Disorder, it is doing a huge disservice to your children by allowing the PD to pull your strings.  These children need, more than anything, to witness a positive role model in at least one of their parents.   And more importantly, the unfortunate children of the disordered personality, need to see that it is possible to stand up to these emotional vampires.  Not disengaging only results in more and more conflict.  Any therapist who can't see this, should not be doling out advice to other people.

If you're having to deal with a high-conflict ex and are seeking counsel, my advice is to phone interview any new therapist.  Ask if they specialize in Personality Disorders.