It's been a Rough Year

For the first time in my life, I was actually prescribed (and took) anti-anxiety meds.  That was about a month ago.  I'm not taking them now.  But at the time, I really needed them.  Thank goodness for prescription drugs.

At the time, I think all the stress had just been mounting, and I had been suppressing it, trying to just get past it.  First we had to adjust to Kaelen being with us.  And don't get me wrong - she's a joy and we love her.  But just adjusting to having a 7 year old, AND still trying to work from home, was a challenge.

I'm going to interject here with all the things that Mickey and I so proudly accomplished for Kaelen while she was here:
1) We got her into gymnastics; and while she is no Mary Lou Retton, it did do a lot towards building her confidence.  She had never been in an extra-curricular activity before then.  I really hope that James and Tina continue to put her into an activity when she gets "home".
2) She graduated second grade in the Honor Roll.  One semester she even received the Principal's Award.
3) She learned how to tell time and how to count money.
4) She learned how to swim.
5) She got to be a kid without being a surrogate Mommy/babysitter.

Back to the issue(s) of my anxiety.  It wasn't so much Kaelen, per se, that caused me the anxiety, but rather the fear of what was going to happen to her when we inevitably gave her back.  It was feeling her pain over the fact that her Mom and sister only came to visit her ONE TIME during the six months she was with her, and knowing that our unconditional love was not enough to make up for this. 

Then there was the issue with Tina and Adrianna.  I think when she attempted to dump Adrianna AND Blue off with my indigent and crazy ass parents, it really pushed me over the edge.  I will never be able to grasp how a Mother would think this was acceptable, or how a Mother could have such a strong urge to "fire sale" her children and pets, with no regard with how this would affect said children and pets.  Or for that matter, WHY.  WHY was this even an option for her?

And then there was Tina announcing to James, while he was deployed, ridding the world of Terrorism, that she wanted to Divorce him.  That act sealed the deal for them moving here - which was the original goal and reason for us keeping Kaelen in the first place.

I was treading water (so to speak) at that point.  Then we got the rare phone call from James, telling us to watch the news, and when we did, learned that Osama bin Laden had been killed.  I was so very proud of him, and was so glad that he would be coming home soon.

But he didn't come home soon.  After that, he was stuck there.  The fucking Pakis wouldn't let him and his group go home.  So I watched on the news as rioting took place, and terrorist bombings, and threats against Americans, in retaliation for the murder of their hero bin Laden.  I was worried shitless.  And that's when I stopped functioning and went on auto pilot.

I went to the doctor and told them I was under stress and they prescribed me some really strong meds that helped me to get over the hump.  In reality, the numb feeling was still disorienting and probably lowered my IQ just a tad.  But it was better than hyperventilating and having panick attacks.

Yesterday James arrived.  Kaelen is in the next room following "AA" around, kissing her and being the Little Mother to her that she was before we "rescued" her.

They're going back to North Carolina next week.  And while I am especially sad that Kaelen is leaving (we've grown very attached to her), it will be nice to have some alone time with my husband again.

Whatever happens to James, Tina, Kaelen and Adrianna (and Blue), will be entirely up to them now.  But we (Mickey and I), will always be a soft place for them to land, if need be.  I guess that is what it is supposed to be like, once your kids grow up and have kids of their own.

Life goes on.  Only right now, without medication.