Sadistical Grooming

Today I embarked on my bi-annual bikini wax.  I say "bi-annual" but that's really a little misleading.  Although I do get this done twice a year, it is usually some time in May and then again some time in July.  The rest of the year my nether follicles are safe from being uprooted.

And it never gets easier, less painful or any less embarressing.  I hate it.

And it makes me wonder, what kind of person goes into this field?  I mean, it can't even be accidental.  You must be licensed to do this.  WHO says, "I want to rip out pubic hairs when I grow up" ?  Who?  I mean, this job could be a candidate for that show, Dirtiest Jobs.  Some men may disagree.  But it's NEVER men who do this.  And if it were, they would have no clientele.  Because I can think of no woman who wants to expose herself in this way to a man pretending to be professional and desensitized.  And having your hair ripped out is just NOT SEXY.  I'm sorry but it's just not.  If it were, Mickey would be doing it.  And as you can tell from this post, he is not.

If you've never experienced this "treatment," here's what happens.  You go to an aesthetician's "salon" where there is a table covered in paper, a doctor's stool, a swiveling magnifying glass, and a vat of hot wax.  The clinician will talk in a soothing voice (hopefully) and attempt to make small talk as you strip naked from the waist down and hop on the table and assume the "butterfly position."  I'll save you detailed description and let you draw your own visual conclusion.

Then SHE applies hot wax to your nether regions, places a paper over the wax and presses down on it for a few seconds and then RIPS it off and says, "There.  THAT wasn't so bad, was it?"

And with tears streaming down my face, I say, "No.  Do you have any painkillers?"

And then the aesthetician laughs because I am such a kidder (not).  And repeats this process about 6 or 8 times until my pear is no longer prickly.  And then she applies some sort of ACID (Yes, I actually asked, "What's that you're putting on there?"  And she said, "Oh it's just ACID."  Imagine my relief).

Then she says, "I'll meet you back out front after you get dressed."  I'm really glad she didn't expect me to meet her up front naked from the waist down.  I take these few seconds to wipe the tears and snot off my face and very gingerly re-clothe my violated pear.

Then I pay my $50 and leave - safe to roam the beaches in a bikini for another 5 weeks.