What to do for our impending 10 year anniversary

September 29th of this year will mark the ten year anniversary of when Mickey and I first met.   October 9th is our 5 year wedding anniversary.  I think I'm going to beat Mickey to the punch this year and do something on the 29th.  He won't be expecting it, for sure. 

But I have no idea what to do.  He's so difficult to buy for.  He buys everything he wants, for himself.  I'd like to get him something sentimental, since it's a "big" year for us. 

So I'm taking suggestions.  And to give you an idea of what the "mood" was like when he and I met, I'll paint a little picture.

My good friend Leisa had been trying for about 6 months to set the two of us up and neither Mickey nor myself wanting ANYTHING to do with a blind date.  Her description(s) didn't help matters.  Leisa told me that Mickey was a Marine who was recently divorced.  She told Mickey that I was a divorced single Mom with a 14 year old, and that I had really big boobs.

So it happened that I had nothing to do on a Friday night so Leisa invited me to her office happy hour at a bar on the lake.   Mickey was there and when I arrived, he and his buddies had already had countless numbers of shots (of Jager.  Gross!), and Mickey was red-eyed and slurring his speech.  Leisa introduced me to him and he said, "You have really nice breasts."

When we left, Leisa asked me what I thought about Mickey and I told her that he appeared to be an alcoholic but that I thought he was cute.  So she gave him my phone number.  The rest is history.

Now, HOW to commemorate that chance encounter for eternity?  I was thinking about maybe getting some shot glasses with our names and anniversary date on it.   Any other suggestions?

The Caymans pushed her over the Edge

I want to start by saying its been TEN YEARS.  10 LONG FUCKING years.

I knew this last trip would get to her.  EVERYTHING "gets to her."  It doesn't take much to push her over the edge.  She teeters there most of the time on her own.  I'd post you the last diatribe of insane text messages she sent to my husband, but we're about to enter into a lawsuit, so I can't.  But trust me, she's fucking CRA-ZEEEEEEE.

And since my wonderful husband failed to feel guilty or take all the smelly bait she threw at him, she, of course, resorted to threatening legal action.  She really and truly feels that she's been, somehow, wronged.  How dare my husband leave her and move on and DARE to be happy while she's so fucking, CONSTANTLY and perpetually miserable.

And then when the threats of legal action (ha, ha) didn't make my husband lose control of his bowels, she resorted to having both kids call Mickey (on speakerphone so she could hear his voice and imagine she's not actually being abandoned by him).

I can't wait until she gets a Psyche Eval.  Can't.  Wait.   

Not-so-interesting Factoid

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All COD's are not Created Equally

And this is not to imply that some children are inherently better or worse than others.  Quite the contrary.  I think that ALL children should be blessed with a healthy upbringing with two parents who are devoted to their well-being.  Even in cases of Divorce, it would be great for the kids if the divorced parents could put aside their differences and view their child(ren)'s upbringing as a business relationship (and not emotional). 

But that is sooooo seldom the case.  Even parents who openly proclaim their devotion to the child, post-Divorce, the truth is, likely the dysfunction and differences among the parents that resulted in them not being able to remain married, NOT EVEN FOR THE SAKE OF THE CHILDREN, also precludes those same parents from harmonizing after the Divorce.   And add into that dynamic, new significant others, step-siblings, envy, job and income changes and other life changes that affect the not-so-delicate balance of the already tenuous dynamic - the same hostilities ensue, but without the bonds of marriage to negate litigation.

Which brings me to the subject of Family Counseling.  I've spoken to several therapists who truly seemed to be able to empathize with what it REALLY means to have to remain in contact with a hostile ex, and to comprehend that when your Ex has a Personality Disorder, they just cannot be dealt with - and that all of those morays of, "for the benefit of the child," go out the window.  If the custodial parent has a Personality Disorder, there is really nothing that the non-custodial parent can do to protect his child(ren) from the emotional predator who bore them.  And in fact, being "nice" to the disordered person, is viewed as a weakness and they will forage on like vampires looking for blood, until they either drain you of all of your blood, or you put a stop to it and disengage.  In situations where one of the parents has a Personality Disorder, it is doing a huge disservice to your children by allowing the PD to pull your strings.  These children need, more than anything, to witness a positive role model in at least one of their parents.   And more importantly, the unfortunate children of the disordered personality, need to see that it is possible to stand up to these emotional vampires.  Not disengaging only results in more and more conflict.  Any therapist who can't see this, should not be doling out advice to other people.

If you're having to deal with a high-conflict ex and are seeking counsel, my advice is to phone interview any new therapist.  Ask if they specialize in Personality Disorders. 

Glad to be Home!

We had a blast, but as always, it's good to be home.  I really missed Gunny and Lola (and they missed us even more).  It never fails that if we are gone for more than 3 days, I start obsessing over the house.  "Did I remember to turn the alarm on?" , or "I can't remember if I paid the electric bill."     But despite all of my obsessing, we returned to an unadulterated home, with all utilities functioning, and two very clingy dogs.

For a critique, I don't care if we never go back to Jamaica.  This was my third trip.  And it seems as though the country is just getting worse and worse.  The cabbies are like vultures.  I didn't really feel safe there, and we weren't even there at night.  Too many predators to watch out for.  However, Margaritaville was tons of fun.  Lots of lewd and crazy partying.  Again - I can't imagine that place at night.  I wish the kids would have garnered up the nerve to play on the water trampolines. 

We ended up purchasing a bunch of ridiculously priced shirts from both Margaritaville and the Harley-Jamaica store.  We also went to the shop that was filmed in Cool Runnings (about the Jamaican Bobsled Team), and got some over-priced shirts there, as well.  But in addition to shirts, we got some authentic Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee, and some obscene hand-carved pipes. 

Next stop was Grand Cayman, and this place was AWESOME.  In case you don't know, this is where everyone hides their money as a tax shelter.  In stark contrast to Jamaica, the cost of living here is very high and people live really well.  The food on Rum Beach was good, but about twice what we would pay in the States for hamburgers and fish 'n chips.

We took an excursion trip to Stingray Alley where we swam with real live stingrays!  It was surreal.  As you can see from the picture, the water is just beautiful (that's Mickey standing on the deck - no, really, it is).  And just like the brochure claimed, the stingrays were all very friendly (just like the crew - who might have even been considered "frisky"). 

Here's a picture of Jake kissing one (a female - apparently the males don't like being kissed - how typical).  Those are my hulking biceps in the photo.  hehe.    We're seriously thinking about booking a trip for the Caymans this winter.

The last stop was Cozumel.  We didn't do much here other than to eat and to buy some trinkets.  Well, except for Mickey.  He bought FIVE bottles of tequilla which we ended up having to smuggle through customs.  I normally vomit from tequilla, but I have to admit, the pomegranate tequilla was pretty good.  I submit to you a photo of me and my smokin' hot hubby, Mickey.

Sooo READY for this Cruise!!!!!

We reserved this trip five months ago.  It's hard to believe it's almost here.  Yesterday I sat down and completed the hour-long "pre-boarding process," which involved finding all of our passport and birth certificates and inputting all of that data, as well as the credit card information for the on-ship charges.  I love the fact that Carnival only allows minors to have $100 on their cards at any given time.  Carnival is smarter than all of the Disneyland Dad's.

Additionally, and quite shockingly, I am already packed (with 6 days to spare).  I have not yet decided if I am bringing my laptop or not.  I certainly won't be working.  But I might want to download some pics and post on the internet for the entire world to see, PRIOR to getting home.  That reminds me - must pack the charger for my camera.

As far as hygiene - I will get a bikini wax, for sure.  And I will get my hair and nails done.  But I have decided to skip the spray on tan.  I am a white girl, and eventually I must come to terms with this.

We have two adjoining cabins - one for me and Mickey and one for the kids.  This means that I WILL be bringing the pirate suit so I can steal some booty.  heh, heh, hehhhhhhhh!

Someone told me just recently that cruise ships lose on average one passenger per month - a statistic that was deliberately left out of the brochure.  And while the cruise lines consider this to be acceptable collateral, I find it a little bit daunting.

Wish us luck on our voyage, that no one topples overboard - either accidentally or on purpose.

Divorce "Support" Forums

I belong to a number of Forums.  Ten years ago if someone would have suggested forums as a tool for social networking and advice, I would have poo-poo'd the idea.  Now I check my forums every day.  And the people on there have become some of my closest friends in real life.

But not all forums are helpful.  For instance, I belong to a divorce support forum.  Even though it's been almost 13 years since I went through a divorce, I joined out of curiosity and the belief that having gone through and survived a divorce, makes me an "expert" on the subject.

And while I do consider myself somewhat of an expert, I have to admit, that some of the women in this group are truly whacked out of their skulls, and are not at all interested in advice or learning from the experience of others.  And in MANY cases, I can see why their exes ran from them.

It's normal to go through a haze after divorce, where you are trying to rediscover yourself and who you are as a single person and in many cases, as a single parent.  It's normal to be angry, hurt, jealous, whatever.  But what is NOT normal or healthy is refusing to accept any responsibility for your own situation - to blame the other person entirely.  And then when their Ex moves on and finds another replacement significant other, to shift all of the blame for what went wrong in YOUR marriage, onto this unsuspecting woman.

So many times I can see this happening in early phases.  And when/if I gently point out that this belief system and behaviors are not conducive to a healthy recovery, the person posting will jump my shit and accuse me of not being "supportive."

Well alrighty, then.  Don't move on.  Ever.  Wallow in self pity for the rest of your days.  Alienate your children from their father because you are emotionally a child and you are selfish.  Blame your ex's new wife for stealing "your" husband.  Teach your children to hate and be disrespectful to this woman.  Con yourself into believing that this new woman is jealous of YOU (and not the other way around).  Every time you see your ex, try to reconcile with him - despite the fact that he has remarried and you've been rejected dozens of times before.  Have no pride, no dignity and no shame.  Date other men, but be sure and inform them that you are still in love with your ex, and that the two of you would still be together if not for that "home wrecking whore."   And by all means, whatever you do, DO NOT EVER SEE A COUNSELOR.  YOU are not the crazy person, after all.  Everyone else is crazy.

And when your kids are in their mid-twenties and figure out on their own how much harm you caused them by your refusal to "move on," and they HATE YOU... perhaps those dusty cogs in your brain can roll backwards in time, to a day when you posted in a forum and got some really sound advice from some woman who had been there and found a way out.  And you might wish that you had listened to her.

It's not too late to get the help you (and your children) need.  Most counseling is covered under insurance.  There is no excuse.